Dream of Death.

I had a very odd dream on the 27th, early morning.

So we had our own home. He was off to work, and I was at home keeping myself busy. I forgot I had to do the laundry. Went down to garage, as stuff was there and for some reason it was dark outside. There was a big black whatever, patrol size car, which belonged to us. In the garage on the cupboard there was this fluffy white pinkish animal, looked like some fairy tale squirrel ferret thing. I finally got close enough for it to allow me to pet it. When I was done I got the baskets with clothes and also some clothes from the patrol thing and yanked it out and throw it over something in the garage. Once I turned around all of a sudden my boyfriend’s half brother stands there with his girlfriend and tells me he will take that, it belongs to him. He grabs it and want to leave and I’m baffled like WTF. The jacket he grabbed was their father’s who died. For some reason my BF got it.

As they were about to leave, while me trying to stop them. My BF came home and said leave them, they can have it.

Oh just before they left, the woman with him touched the ferret thing. Weird.

Okay so why this dream is so confusing to me and why out of nowhere I thought of it is weird. First of all. My BF does not know his father, has never even met him. Second, he doesn’t know if he has a half brother either. But the possibilities are real.

In the dream, his brother looked a lot like him. Probably a bit younger, but the hair and a part of the face, you can definitely tell they are brothers.

Anyway… I get sketchy when I dream people of people who died. Cause it happened that when I dream of that, that they die in real life not. I don’t mean more than a year, like in the same year. It is weird to dream of someone that died, before they die in real life, but then do. Especially if both times are to do with Family.

So if that specific person dies any time soon, the one I suspect might be his Father, then don’t tell me it’s coincidence.

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Self-harm; 

My brother comes over today, and we chat about a healthy lifestyle. Eating healthy, working out… 

While he talks, he kinds of hang around the pull up bar in the cage. While he just barely lift his feet so he can hang, he cringe each time because he is sore from the previous day’s workout. 

As he continues talking about the muscle pain after workouts, he suddenly says “He doesn’t get those people who cuts themselves and…” (don’t know what else, there was something else)… “because they’re idiots! They should just spend a day with me working out, they will feel enough pain” as he said that it felt like he shot an arrow right through my heart. 

Because I am one of those people who cut. I also do workout, very hard. Which I love doing.

Where he even gets the idea that those two things have anything in common, I don’t even understand. But then again, he will never understand what self-harm is to people like me. Which is not even remotely on the same level of reasoning as gaining pain from working out.

I love pain from my workouts, because it feels to me that I’m doing it right, I’m working hard and towards a goal and the pain is there to let me know I am doing a good job. 

But self-harm? That does not come from a job well done. It is not something you reward yourself with. It’s probably the total opposite of all the above mentioned. 

Yes to people like me self-harm can also feel good, and it can even be addictive. As if you get a tiny adrenaline rush, even thinking deeply enough about doing it, you can feel it. 

But the level of “psychological awareness” between using self-harm as an escape and working out, cannot be compared. Because with working out, you love good pain for good results yes, but you’re not doing it on purpose to create the pain without the gain. Where self-harm is basically self-explanatory. Exactly what it is. Self-harm. You want to cause yourself that kind of pain for a reason, you want to feel the pain on purpose, you want that particular release, that painful pleasure, on purpose. 

I agree workout is a good tension relief method, clearing your head, it helps with depression, and for some people it is their way of coping. Some enjoy it to that level, and I agree, because I do to… But to me it is very different then when thoughts arise to self-harm, when that urge appears.

Because the situations to me, for both of those, are very different things…

To me in a way, self-harm, is more a way of releasing emotional pain that become too overwhelming to bear, like a pot that is boiling over, there is too much of a load to handle and you feel on the verge of losing your shit. You absolutely need a release… It prevents a full mental and emotional breakdown, which you turn into a physical pain. And I know, many people think it is ridiculous, and stupid. I mean, why hurt yourself intentionally? Most people will say it’s a cry for attention, and you know what. They aren’t always wrong as there really are some people who would use tactics like that for attention, but people like me… No. We don’t show it to anyone, for the world to see, we hide it. We aren’t proud of it. It’s our emotions, our fear, our tears, our anger, our reasoning, our everything… Right there in the open, exposed. We aren’t about to explain to anyone why, because it’s not just about one thing, it’s not just an easy explanation, and it is not just feeling sorry for ourselves. It really is just a way of coping. It is a coping mechanism. It is personal. It’s painful experiences. It is depression and it is life. And no self-harm does not necessarily mean we have a goal in mind to kill ourself.

It’s not natural, we all know it. Yes, mentally there might be something wrong for enjoying it, for doing it for the depressing reasons behind it… But it is not just the feeling of the physical pain that feels good about it, or the reason that triggered the thought or deed, but also the deed itself in the process. It’s like taking a deep breath in a way. But also, there are so much more to it, that it is hard to explain it, it’s hard to put it in words, because it is not “as simple as that” or as simple as people might think…

The worst of all about self-harm is, you want it so bad sometimes, you think about it so many times… For me to fight the thought is the hardest part, to not do it. To not mark my skin with scars. Now I’ve been lucky that no matter how deep I’ve cut, I’ve been healing exceptionally well. But, I’ve found that my most emotional reasons for cutting myself, has left marks. How ironic is that…

But once in my life it had been easy to hide. Now not so much and I sit with the thought most of the time that whenever I feel like doing it, that the fact of getting caught is too much effort to explain why I did it… So I then just don’t do it… But let me tell you a secret. I carry a blade (from a pencil sharpener) almost 90% of the time with me, as it is in my handbag. 

I have also taken a blade from work, those long super sharp box opener blades, the smaller ones, and I keep it in my room in my tampon bag, underneath my tampons. 

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Father’s Day Secret.

My Boyfriend does not know who his father is. His mother (a good person as she is, really) has never said anything about who he is in detail. Nothing but his name and where he is/ was from and that when he found out she was pregnant, he didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. (Asshole)

Anyway, for all these years that I have been with him, I have been dying to know who this person is, dying to know where he is, dying to know does he have a family and dying to know what he looks like and dying to know what his other kids look like if he has any other and most of all dying to know if he actually thinks about his first born child who he never wanted to know since he was conceived.

But also all these years, I have always questioned deep within if his mother has been speaking the truth for his entire life? First of all, does she really know who the father was, or was it by chance a one night stand? Should she know, how well did she know him? 

If she didn’t lie about that at least, my biggest concern is, is the name of his father the truth? Or is she witholding the real name?

I have several reasons why I am concerned with the name. A few years ago, it bothered me so much, that I started (tried) to do research, with the little bit of knowledge I have, and came across something rather fishy, but might as well mean nothing if she actually did tell the truth. And who am I to question a woman with good faith and a good hart? Right?

This is what I found though..

Absolutely nothing with the given name. Nothing. You’d think in this day and age the man would have some social media, Facebook at least. I mean my mother has Facebook, and old people have Facebook. So tell me that’s not odd? 

I found nothing that “suite” the info that I have, on the internet, with the given name. Not where he lives / or used to live. Okay fine I get that I can’t assume anything from that, but looking someone up with a full name and getting no listing with given name, that really is odd. I mean, I looked hard.

Second, one day, I was going through her phone, deeply… And came across some saved messages from an old friend of hers (a male friend of course) which was really quite intimate and I mean my heart was pounding as I was reading it while she was also in the room, because it was some real private stuff… But get this… That person even send through a photo of his daughter, that’s weird right? Why would she be interested in how his daughter looks at that time and whatnot? I don’t know, I think it is weird.

But this is even weirder, this person has the same surname as the given name of my boyfriends father. AND he also used to live in the same place at the same time, she mentioned where his father was at the time where she was… Coincidence? Maybe… But what about the fact that the messages were so very intimate and I mean sexually… 

This guy has Facebook, I went to have a look. He seems well off, but divorced. Eh he might look the part of his father, but I won’t go with it like that. A lot of people share looks even if they’re not related. Like a lot of people think me and a colleague are sisters. But what I saw on his Facebook as well was another thing that struck me as odd… His uh “hobby” I think… Yeah let’s just say hobby… And my boyfriend’s second name… “Matches” as in his second name means that of that guy’s hobby. 

So people what is your thoughts? Am I totally over thinking this? Is it really just coincidence? I don’t know… It used to bother me so much, but now I just kind of let it go because it is pointless asking… I don’t want to open Pandoras box.

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Regret.

They say regret always come too late, after the choice has been made. Well shit, of course it does. Lessons are learned that way. 

What do you think is the most regretful thought in your life, in the world?

I think it is that last moment when you kill yourself, but just before your last breath you don’t want to die anymore…

Yet again, if killing yourself was your last thought in life, it was that bad, won’t you be relieved to know it is your last breath?

But also, how will we know? Because telling a tale of how you wanted to kill yourself, but somehow still live because it went sideways, is not the same as actually dying for sure and not almost dying.

So practically no one will ever know, if that last breath was regretful or joy.

That, to me, is the scariest thought right there.

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Deliberate Info.

I deliberately gave some info to someone, which so far has all been the truth and will stay the truth and by all means innocent out of my mouth as I am not doing anything wrong, only baring some news, but I know it pisses her off so much. 

I hope it makes her feel the same way it made me feel. 

I hope it drills into her head and I hope she gets nightmares about it. 

I hope she feels bad for what she did to me. 

^ The above is what I feel. But honestly, I also feel bad that I feel that vindictive about it. Messed up situations. Messed up people. Messed up life and Messed up emotions.

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