Father’s Day Secret.

My Boyfriend does not know who his father is. His mother (a good person as she is, really) has never said anything about who he is in detail. Nothing but his name and where he is/ was from and that when he found out she was pregnant, he didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. (Asshole)

Anyway, for all these years that I have been with him, I have been dying to know who this person is, dying to know where he is, dying to know does he have a family and dying to know what he looks like and dying to know what his other kids look like if he has any other and most of all dying to know if he actually thinks about his first born child who he never wanted to know since he was conceived.

But also all these years, I have always questioned deep within if his mother has been speaking the truth for his entire life? First of all, does she really know who the father was, or was it by chance a one night stand? Should she know, how well did she know him? 

If she didn’t lie about that at least, my biggest concern is, is the name of his father the truth? Or is she witholding the real name?

I have several reasons why I am concerned with the name. A few years ago, it bothered me so much, that I started (tried) to do research, with the little bit of knowledge I have, and came across something rather fishy, but might as well mean nothing if she actually did tell the truth. And who am I to question a woman with good faith and a good hart? Right?

This is what I found though..

Absolutely nothing with the given name. Nothing. You’d think in this day and age the man would have some social media, Facebook at least. I mean my mother has Facebook, and old people have Facebook. So tell me that’s not odd? 

I found nothing that “suite” the info that I have, on the internet, with the given name. Not where he lives / or used to live. Okay fine I get that I can’t assume anything from that, but looking someone up with a full name and getting no listing with given name, that really is odd. I mean, I looked hard.

Second, one day, I was going through her phone, deeply… And came across some saved messages from an old friend of hers (a male friend of course) which was really quite intimate and I mean my heart was pounding as I was reading it while she was also in the room, because it was some real private stuff… But get this… That person even send through a photo of his daughter, that’s weird right? Why would she be interested in how his daughter looks at that time and whatnot? I don’t know, I think it is weird.

But this is even weirder, this person has the same surname as the given name of my boyfriends father. AND he also used to live in the same place at the same time, she mentioned where his father was at the time where she was… Coincidence? Maybe… But what about the fact that the messages were so very intimate and I mean sexually… 

This guy has Facebook, I went to have a look. He seems well off, but divorced. Eh he might look the part of his father, but I won’t go with it like that. A lot of people share looks even if they’re not related. Like a lot of people think me and a colleague are sisters. But what I saw on his Facebook as well was another thing that struck me as odd… His uh “hobby” I think… Yeah let’s just say hobby… And my boyfriend’s second name… “Matches” as in his second name means that of that guy’s hobby. 

So people what is your thoughts? Am I totally over thinking this? Is it really just coincidence? I don’t know… It used to bother me so much, but now I just kind of let it go because it is pointless asking… I don’t want to open Pandoras box.

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Regret.

They say regret always come too late, after the choice has been made. Well shit, of course it does. Lessons are learned that way. 

What do you think is the most regretful thought in your life, in the world?

I think it is that last moment when you kill yourself, but just before your last breath you don’t want to die anymore…

Yet again, if killing yourself was your last thought in life, it was that bad, won’t you be relieved to know it is your last breath?

But also, how will we know? Because telling a tale of how you wanted to kill yourself, but somehow still live because it went sideways, is not the same as actually dying for sure and not almost dying.

So practically no one will ever know, if that last breath was regretful or joy.

That, to me, is the scariest thought right there.

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Wishes do not come true.

Waiting all this time, getting my hopes up all these years… Thinking something would happen soon and then before I know it, another year has gone by… Still I am excited and waiting and imagining perfection… but nothing happens. Nothing ever happens, except my heart that’s breaking apart, piece by piece, disappearing into the void. Nothingness. No Hopes. No Dreams. Nothing to look forward too, only crushed fantasies.

Forget about it. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m over it. It’s done. There is no way that it will make me happy anymore. You’ve waited too long, and crushed my hopes too many times.

Really, I pretend that whenever people ask about it, that it doesn’t bother me. But really, it does. A lot. And it embarrasses me to act like we are waiting for the right time, and that there are just too many complications right now, but honestly, tell me? When is there ever a right time? When is there ever no complications? There will always be something, and always be an excuse as to why we do not commit, or actually, why you don’t want to commit.

I’m tired. I’m just tired of pretending to care that someday it will happen, but that day has passed so many times, and the years just keep on coming.

I am fed up. Shrugging it off all the time. Getting hurt all the time. Getting my hopes up and then end up being disappointed all the time, and you don’t care how it end up effecting my heart.

Well you know what, it broke me. And I am done. I don’t even smile anymore thinking about “Should it happen”. The idea of it doesn’t make me happy anymore. Like it used to.

And you know what… It is all I ever wished for.

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Deliberate Info.

I deliberately gave some info to someone, which so far has all been the truth and will stay the truth and by all means innocent out of my mouth as I am not doing anything wrong, only baring some news, but I know it pisses her off so much. 

I hope it makes her feel the same way it made me feel. 

I hope it drills into her head and I hope she gets nightmares about it. 

I hope she feels bad for what she did to me. 

^ The above is what I feel. But honestly, I also feel bad that I feel that vindictive about it. Messed up situations. Messed up people. Messed up life and Messed up emotions.

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Twitter.

Hi

I am connected to Twitter now. Follow me @Haruka_Desu

Will probably post more frequently on there, than on here. As is easier and takes less time, especially in the moment of a thought or something I feel like sharing.

It is still a great way for me to still stay Anonymous from my personal life and be able to have “Freedom of Speech” as I will not be trolled by my Daily Troll as is in my personal life and personal blog / twitter / facebook / instagram / whatsapp or even at work etc etc…

At the moment though it seems that Twitter consider me as a spam account, which does not make sense at all. So I will give it some time and see if anything happens.

 

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