Top Point of Being Nonchalant.

Last night it felt that a very important piece of my heart was ripped out.

After all these years, after something I have been looking forward to for a long time, and that is the best that you came up with?

I appreciate the idea, I guess… But there is a much better way of doing it.

That is what I would have done, because it is an important step and commitment in a relationship.

I don’t know what to think right now, because it feels like I am of no value if that is the way you think to go about it.

Really I am hurt. I really hoped for something more memorable and something to look forward to. It is a special moment, yet now it doesn’t even feel like it means anything to you at all.

How nonchalant can you be?

I’m shocked.

Of everything that is going on in my life right now, this is the the most hoped for thing I was looking forward to, but right now I feel so baffled, it feels like you’ve ruined some perfect illusion or fantasy that I had and now I just can’t imagine it anymore. I can’t think.

I don’t know. I want to curl up and cry. You have no idea the impact this made on me, and it couldn’t have happened on a worse time. At least if it happened right, then the “worse” would have changed to “best”…

Do you not have a clue how important this was/is to me?

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Are we not on the same page about this?

Whatever I do, I feel like I want to hold my heart because it aches.

Honestly, I can’t even comprehend this feeling.

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Privacy.

I think this blog is the only privacy and small PIECE (yes I mean piece as in a portion of my mind that is private) of mind that I have all to myself without anyone in my Personal Life knowing about it or questioning it. So therefore none of them can “Troll” here.

Because I do have a “stalker”, who I know personally as well – but this person is obsessed with what is happening in my life, this person is stalking all of my social media every day. Luckily said “Troll” does not know jack shit about this blog.

It makes me feel relieved. Some people are just way too curious.

I don’t think it is necessary for everyone in a person’s life to know exactly everything about what is going on with your personal life all the time, we all have a side we keep to ourselves in certain matters sometimes.

I think these are the most common “sides” of each person.

  • Our Daily Selves, which Everyone Knows.
  • A Dark Side, which only Some People might Know about. Mostly a countable number of people, either none or 1 – 5 people.
  • And then there is that Deep side that are the most inner you, that only you know about. That “Anonymous” Side.

I think there is a lot more though… Some people might have less or more sides than others, that is a given.

Something like this:

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(Drama Faces) Reminds me of the Different Sides to People.

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Peace.

It is kind of hard to keep the peace between everyone, I feel like the middle man. It feels like I am in the eye of a hurricane, it is calm there, but around me is where the storm is happening. Too many things happening all at once, and I am just trying my best for things not to fall apart.

It is not just my Future that depends on it, but a lot of other things.

Most of which is not even my problem, yet still I go through effort and I sacrifice a lot of things to help others, it is not fair though.

It’s always fine, or so I say, I will always support those where I can, but there comes a day where I feel I can’t anymore…

I need to keep my Life in thoughts as well, otherwise I will be shooting myself in the foot too, no?

Sometimes you can’t help them all, because what will be leftover if everyone tears you apart?

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Q & A.

What’s the dirtiest thought you’ve ever had?
– Me playing in some dirt. No just kidding.
– Having a very steamy time with the same sex. I don’t think I need to specify.

What’s the first thing you’d do if you woke up one day and you were the opposite sex?
– Explore my new male body & play with my new joystick and then get a some girl to give me a blowjob so I’ll know why guys fuss about it.

What sexual activity do you consider totally off limits?
– I don’t know. I’m pretty open-minded.

What’s the most embarrassing thing your parents have caught you doing?
– They haven’t. But sometimes when I watch Anime, there might be a nude moment, but usually I minimize in time. So nothing yet.

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve done when you were alone?
– Walking around butt naked? That’s not weird at all.
– Spy on people via online?
– I’ve watched Hentai before, only out of curiosity, but I do watch a lot of Ecchi Anime. Most of them actually have good storylines.
– Spy on other people’s stuff when I have access to it. As in what’s on their Computers, as in Browsing History (you can learn a lot about someone that way) and smartphones, etc…

What’s the biggest secret you’ve ever kept from your parents?
– Well who doesn’t have secrets hidden from their parents? They need not know, right?
– I lost my Virginity on my Mother’s Birthday, back in High-School. (Don’t worry, I’m still dating the same guy.) I personally think my Mother would flip if she knew this…

What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told without getting caught?
– I don’t know. I don’t get caught, but I am rather honest, so if anyone ever knows anything about me, it’s because I told them.

What do you like most and least about your own appearance?
– I like my boobs, because honestly I think they are perfect.
– I don’t dislike anything about myself, I’m happy with how I look.

What do you like most and least about your personality?
– I like that I am very straightforward and honest.
– I think the fact that I am quick to tell the truth might sometimes be dangerous.

If you could erase one past experience, what would it be?
– I would err… erase something I’ve done, that’s a secret.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done to attract a crush?
– Well frankly admit that I like him, because he was going to ask another girl out, because I didn’t budge when he tried to get me, but then I realised that I actually do like him and it’s now or never and we are still together. Funny enough the other girl is now married, just recently.

If you could make one wish right this second, what would it be?
– To win the lotto. Then move to Japan.

What does the perfect male/female body look like in your opinion?
– Kin’niku!!

How many people can someone sleep with before you secretly judge them for their “number”?
– Five, I guess? Depends on the situations?

What’s the one thing you’d do in bed with someone if you had no inhibitions whatsoever?
– Dominate?

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done in front of the mirror?
– Make a funny face.

What’s the most surprising thing that’s ever turned you on?
– The same sex, and tattoos

What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to someone?
– “I hate you”.

What’s the cruelest thing you’ve ever done to a friend?
– I know her longer, but I believed the other person above her. I regret it every day. We’re okay now, but still… She never gave me a reason before not to trust her, but I still didn’t take her word over his. She knows better than I do. He tried to turn me against her, for revenge against her. Because he didn’t get what he want.

Do you ever catch yourself thinking about doing it with someone of the same sex?
– Almost every day, it’s nothing new.

If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?
– Take different subjects in school, because maybe then I would have known what I would have like to go study at University.

What do you feel most proud of?
– Determination.

If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?
– Japan. I Love Japan.

What teacher in school made the most impact on you and why?
– My CAT teacher was awesome, because he is very straightforward.
– My English teacher she was also awesome and fun and I don’t know, just awesome.
– I hated the Accounting teacher, he’s an asswhole and liked to tell kids they’re useless. I hate people who think they have the right to belittle others and make them feel worthless. I don’t ever want to be a person like he was. What a dick!

If you won the lottery, what would you do?
– Buy a house. Study what I actually want to do in life. Work and Live in Japan, maybe even do the studying there.

Who do you most admire in life?
– Mind over Matter. Imagination. Dreams.

What are you most afraid of?
– Spiders.

What feels like love to you?
– Trust. Affection. Respect.

If you were president, what is the first thing you would do?
– Kill the problem in this forsaken country.

What age do you feel right now and why?
– I feel my age, but I have always gotten along with people much older than I am, and I think that’s because in some way or another I’m more mature than usual girls my age, in a way that is not easily understood. I don’t really know how to explain it. I also get along with people younger, so I don’t really know. I don’t really fit in with the people my age, my interest and way of thinking is totally different and I am very open-minded on a different kind of level than the people my age, especially in this town. Those who know me will understand, but it really is kind of hard to explain myself.

What is a skill you’d like to learn and why?
– Being fluent in a few languages, including programming languages too.

What’s your philosophy in life?
– Also Mind over Matter. If you can dream it, you can achieve it.

Are you religious or spiritual?
– Spiritual I guess.

Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?
– Introvert.

Which parent are you closer to and why?
– My BF’s Mother. We just click well.

What was the best phase in your life?
– The ages 15 – 19.

What was the worst phase in your life?
– The ages 20 – 23.

Is what you’re doing now what you always wanted to do growing up?
– No.

What makes you feel accomplished?
– Seeing good results.

What is a relationship deal breaker for you?
– No Trust.

Are you more into looks or brains?
– Brains.

Would you ever take back someone who cheated?
– I have. I don’t regret it one bit, because we are all human. Everyone does make mistakes. Everyone is curious. But if it was a constant thing, then I wouldn’t have.

How do you feel about sharing your password with your partner?
– I don’t mind. You should be able to trust each other right. If you hide your password, then it is onpurpose of course. What else are you hiding then? Guilty much?

When do you think a person is ready for marriage?
– Whenever they feel like it.

Who is that one person you can talk to about just anything?
– This is the reason why I have this blog.

If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?
– Left alone.

What’s an ideal weekend for you?
– Away to the forest.

What do you think of best friends of the opposite sex?
– Cool beans.

Do you judge a book by its cover?
– No.
– Unless you have obese kids, and you let it happen. That’s some sick shit right there.

When was the last time you broke someone’s heart?
– Friends can break hearts too, so I guess not too long ago. About 3 years ago or 2 and a half, give or take.

Would you relocate for love?
– Yes

Did you ever write a journal?
– Yes. I then got rid of it eventually. Too many personal things, too many snoopy people.

What are you most thankful for?
– Having someone to love, who loves me back, a roof over my head, food and being healty.

Do you believe in second chances?
– Of course I do.

What’s the one thing that people always misunderstand about you?
– Everything. I don’t fit in much. People don’t understand that I don’t need to have the same likes or opinions than they have. I have my own.
– People around me don’t understand that I actually like being alone and that I am not a very social person in general.

What is your idea of a perfect vacation?
– No interuptions from certain people when I am on vacation.

When have you felt your biggest adrenaline rush?
– Roller Coaster.

What do you think about when you’re by yourself?
– Everything.

If You Could Get Away With A Crime, Would You? If Yes, What Would It Be?
– Yes; Murder.

If You Could Live Forever, How Would You Spend Eternity?
– Doing and trying everything I possibly can and visiting every inch of earth and outer space if I can.

In What Ways Do You Hold Yourself Back?
– I don’t have a lot of self-convidence.

Which Are You More Likely To Fight For, Love Or Money? Why?
– Love. If you end up with no one who cares for you, then what good will the money do for your emotional needs?

If You Could Have One Superpower, What Would It Be And How Would You Use It?
– If it was for a day only, then being able to be invicible and walk through walls.
– If forever, then strength.

If You Could Speak Another Language, Which Would It Be And Why?
– Japanese of course, but I’m not far from speaking it. I understand here and there already. I can read a few things too.

If You Could Time Travel, Would You Go To The Past Or The Future?
– Future.

Would You Rather Be A Jack Of Many Trades Or A Master Of One?
– Jack of Many.

What Motivates You To Succeed?
– Having a better life.

If You Could Bring One Fictional Character To Life, Who Would It Be And Why?
– The person in my novel.

Would You Rather Explore A New Planet, Or The Deepest Parts Of The Ocean? Why?
– Man this is a hard one. The ocean scares me kind of, so I think a new planet. But it would be interesting to know what is happening in the ocean, where humans have not yet explored.

What Dream That You’ve Had Has Resonated With You The Most?
– Kind of hard to say, there are too many of them.

What Single Message Would You Send To An Advanced Alien Species?
– Please adopt me.

If It Were Possible To Colonize Mars In Our Lifetime, Would You Go? Why Or Why Not?
– Hell yes! A new begining an adventure! Why the hell not?!

If You Could Play One Instrument You Aren’t Able To Now, What Would It Be And Why?
– Piano.

Would You Rather Live In The City Or The Woods? Why?
– The woods. Quiet.

What Makes You Cry?
– A lot of things.

If You Were On Death Row, What Would Your Final Meal Be?
– Steak.

What’s Your Fondest Childhood Memory?
– Does these exist?

If It Were Possible, Would You Own A Pet Dinosaur? If So, Which One And Why?
– Not a Dinosaur, but a dragon hell yeah!

If You Had A Week To Live, How Would You Live It?
– I would go to Kyoto, Japan.

If Your House Was Burning And You Could Only Save One Item, What Would It Be And Why?
– My Cats no doubt.

If You Could Have The Answer To Any Question, What Would That Question Be?
– Why do good people always suffer the most?

What Words Of Wisdom Would You Pass Onto Your Childhood Self?
– Believe your instincts. Don’t fall for crap that seem too good to be true. Like people with smooth words.

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Terrified.

I feel terrified.

I never thought that I would mention my most darkest secret to anyone ever, that is not directly or even indirectly related to the “situation” that is the secret.

The only other people that know, are the ones involved or semi-involved.

The truth is always terrifying, especially when it has a long history.

 

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