Wishes do not come true.

Waiting all this time, getting my hopes up all these years… Thinking something would happen soon and then before I know it, another year has gone by… Still I am excited and waiting and imagining perfection… but nothing happens. Nothing ever happens, except my heart that’s breaking apart, piece by piece, disappearing into the void. Nothingness. No Hopes. No Dreams. Nothing to look forward too, only crushed fantasies.

Forget about it. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m over it. It’s done. There is no way that it will make me happy anymore. You’ve waited too long, and crushed my hopes too many times.

Really, I pretend that whenever people ask about it, that it doesn’t bother me. But really, it does. A lot. And it embarrasses me to act like we are waiting for the right time, and that there are just too many complications right now, but honestly, tell me? When is there ever a right time? When is there ever no complications? There will always be something, and always be an excuse as to why we do not commit, or actually, why you don’t want to commit.

I’m tired. I’m just tired of pretending to care that someday it will happen, but that day has passed so many times, and the years just keep on coming.

I am fed up. Shrugging it off all the time. Getting hurt all the time. Getting my hopes up and then end up being disappointed all the time, and you don’t care how it end up effecting my heart.

Well you know what, it broke me. And I am done. I don’t even smile anymore thinking about “Should it happen”. The idea of it doesn’t make me happy anymore. Like it used to.

And you know what… It is all I ever wished for.


Top Point of Being Nonchalant.

Last night it felt that a very important piece of my heart was ripped out.

After all these years, after something I have been looking forward to for a long time, and that is the best that you came up with?

I appreciate the idea, I guess… But there is a much better way of doing it.

That is what I would have done, because it is an important step and commitment in a relationship.

I don’t know what to think right now, because it feels like I am of no value if that is the way you think to go about it.

Really I am hurt. I really hoped for something more memorable and something to look forward to. It is a special moment, yet now it doesn’t even feel like it means anything to you at all.

How nonchalant can you be?

I’m shocked.

Of everything that is going on in my life right now, this is the the most hoped for thing I was looking forward to, but right now I feel so baffled, it feels like you’ve ruined some perfect illusion or fantasy that I had and now I just can’t imagine it anymore. I can’t think.

I don’t know. I want to curl up and cry. You have no idea the impact this made on me, and it couldn’t have happened on a worse time. At least if it happened right, then the “worse” would have changed to “best”…

Do you not have a clue how important this was/is to me?

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Are we not on the same page about this?

Whatever I do, I feel like I want to hold my heart because it aches.

Honestly, I can’t even comprehend this feeling.