My brother comes over today, and we chat about a healthy lifestyle. Eating healthy, working out… 

While he talks, he kinds of hang around the pull up bar in the cage. While he just barely lift his feet so he can hang, he cringe each time because he is sore from the previous day’s workout. 

As he continues talking about the muscle pain after workouts, he suddenly says “He doesn’t get those people who cuts themselves and…” (don’t know what else, there was something else)… “because they’re idiots! They should just spend a day with me working out, they will feel enough pain” as he said that it felt like he shot an arrow right through my heart. 

Because I am one of those people who cut. I also do workout, very hard. Which I love doing.

Where he even gets the idea that those two things have anything in common, I don’t even understand. But then again, he will never understand what self-harm is to people like me. Which is not even remotely on the same level of reasoning as gaining pain from working out.

I love pain from my workouts, because it feels to me that I’m doing it right, I’m working hard and towards a goal and the pain is there to let me know I am doing a good job. 

But self-harm? That does not come from a job well done. It is not something you reward yourself with. It’s probably the total opposite of all the above mentioned. 

Yes to people like me self-harm can also feel good, and it can even be addictive. As if you get a tiny adrenaline rush, even thinking deeply enough about doing it, you can feel it. 

But the level of “psychological awareness” between using self-harm as an escape and working out, cannot be compared. Because with working out, you love good pain for good results yes, but you’re not doing it on purpose to create the pain without the gain. Where self-harm is basically self-explanatory. Exactly what it is. Self-harm. You want to cause yourself that kind of pain for a reason, you want to feel the pain on purpose, you want that particular release, that painful pleasure, on purpose. 

I agree workout is a good tension relief method, clearing your head, it helps with depression, and for some people it is their way of coping. Some enjoy it to that level, and I agree, because I do to… But to me it is very different then when thoughts arise to self-harm, when that urge appears.

Because the situations to me, for both of those, are very different things…

To me in a way, self-harm, is more a way of releasing emotional pain that become too overwhelming to bear, like a pot that is boiling over, there is too much of a load to handle and you feel on the verge of losing your shit. You absolutely need a release… It prevents a full mental and emotional breakdown, which you turn into a physical pain. And I know, many people think it is ridiculous, and stupid. I mean, why hurt yourself intentionally? Most people will say it’s a cry for attention, and you know what. They aren’t always wrong as there really are some people who would use tactics like that for attention, but people like me… No. We don’t show it to anyone, for the world to see, we hide it. We aren’t proud of it. It’s our emotions, our fear, our tears, our anger, our reasoning, our everything… Right there in the open, exposed. We aren’t about to explain to anyone why, because it’s not just about one thing, it’s not just an easy explanation, and it is not just feeling sorry for ourselves. It really is just a way of coping. It is a coping mechanism. It is personal. It’s painful experiences. It is depression and it is life. And no self-harm does not necessarily mean we have a goal in mind to kill ourself.

It’s not natural, we all know it. Yes, mentally there might be something wrong for enjoying it, for doing it for the depressing reasons behind it… But it is not just the feeling of the physical pain that feels good about it, or the reason that triggered the thought or deed, but also the deed itself in the process. It’s like taking a deep breath in a way. But also, there are so much more to it, that it is hard to explain it, it’s hard to put it in words, because it is not “as simple as that” or as simple as people might think…

The worst of all about self-harm is, you want it so bad sometimes, you think about it so many times… For me to fight the thought is the hardest part, to not do it. To not mark my skin with scars. Now I’ve been lucky that no matter how deep I’ve cut, I’ve been healing exceptionally well. But, I’ve found that my most emotional reasons for cutting myself, has left marks. How ironic is that…

But once in my life it had been easy to hide. Now not so much and I sit with the thought most of the time that whenever I feel like doing it, that the fact of getting caught is too much effort to explain why I did it… So I then just don’t do it… But let me tell you a secret. I carry a blade (from a pencil sharpener) almost 90% of the time with me, as it is in my handbag. 

I have also taken a blade from work, those long super sharp box opener blades, the smaller ones, and I keep it in my room in my tampon bag, underneath my tampons. 



They say regret always come too late, after the choice has been made. Well shit, of course it does. Lessons are learned that way. 

What do you think is the most regretful thought in your life, in the world?

I think it is that last moment when you kill yourself, but just before your last breath you don’t want to die anymore…

Yet again, if killing yourself was your last thought in life, it was that bad, won’t you be relieved to know it is your last breath?

But also, how will we know? Because telling a tale of how you wanted to kill yourself, but somehow still live because it went sideways, is not the same as actually dying for sure and not almost dying.

So practically no one will ever know, if that last breath was regretful or joy.

That, to me, is the scariest thought right there.


Deliberate Info.

I deliberately gave some info to someone, which so far has all been the truth and will stay the truth and by all means innocent out of my mouth as I am not doing anything wrong, only baring some news, but I know it pisses her off so much. 

I hope it makes her feel the same way it made me feel. 

I hope it drills into her head and I hope she gets nightmares about it. 

I hope she feels bad for what she did to me. 

^ The above is what I feel. But honestly, I also feel bad that I feel that vindictive about it. Messed up situations. Messed up people. Messed up life and Messed up emotions.